APRIL FOOLS

Hello there.  I’ve recently obtained the “possessed” NES Godzilla cart. How, you may ask? Well, I did what’s called a “pro-gamer move”, where I broke into a guy’s house and stole it. It’s mine now, sucker! Anyways, nobody gives a shit about introductions, so let’s just get on with it.

 

The world is called SAMPLE TEXT (excellent) and we’ve got 6 levels types, which are

-COVFEFE

-SOCIETY

-HILIWERDFRTH (I tried my best to spell this correctly)

-BAIL BONDS

-CONE LAUNCH

-TWITTER

 

And two bosses, which are SNOWFLAKE and SAFESPACE

Starting off with Covfefe.

Things are off to a great start. COVFEFE takes place in front of the White House. No platforming or anything fancy, just good old-fashioned “walk right and kill everything” type level. Lots of floating Orange Man heads, they fly around and barf projectiles. The ground is patrolled by Pepe Frogs, they scream and hit me with their tongue. They have a tendency to swarm on me near the end, and also annoyingly halt gameplay to say this;

It’s over with pretty quick. Now it is time for us to enter SOCIETY.

 

So this level has a bit more going on. I have an inventory, and I’m instructed to pillage the shelves and take all the items (especially the toilet paper). Sounds like a fun time! Clearly I’m not the first one to hit the store, as many shelves have already been emptied.

Fortunately, by beating up the other creatures in the store, some of them drop items that can then be stolen. I usually don’t get anything good from the creepy clown fuckers, though. They’re too busy dancing. It’s all about those guys with the shopping cart. Always, always go for the shopping cart, I got one that had like 5 rolls of toilet paper in it.

These creatures are total pushovers who can’t defend their shit. Survival of the fittest, Leonard!

Since I’m so close to Safespace (definitely too close for social distancing), I’m going to engage the boss. I want to see how tough these are.

Not very tough. Safespace is a turtle that can create force fields, but for some reason, he can’t use them to protect himself. So that doesn’t help much in a one-on-one fight. I clobber the shit out of him until this happens;

He retracts into his shell and won’t come out! Come out of your shell so I can kill you, you dumb fuck!

I’ve kicked it like 10 times and he’s still not coming out. Each kick does a very small amount of damage. This is going to take a few minutes.

Alright I did it, took like 8 minutes. Tedious pain in the ass, but Godzilla did level up to 2, which is nice. Also we got a “Nuclear Scoop”?

 

Next is BAIL BONDS

What?

That’s uh…something. I don’t know. Fred speaks;

“My brother”? What? I don’t have 500 hundred dollars! Godzilla doesn’t need money! Let the guy out of the cage or I’ll set your ass on fire!

Oh fine, maybe this can be settled another way. In lieu of cash payment, I offered Fred my whole inventory of items I raided from the SOCIETY store. He accepted this, and was particularly interested in the walnuts. I don’t think Godzilla really needs 73 rolls of toilet paper anyway. If Godzilla needs to wipe his ass later, we’ll just use one of the stage enemies.

Who the fuck is Gregory Stevens?

That’s not Gregory Stevens. It’s…”Charuzu II”. What happened to Charuzu One? He looks like a reject muppet wearing a giant wig. Let’s see what he’s capable of. Next is Hilwrdy-however the fuck that name is spelled.

(insert level description in editing)

Getting close to the end now! Time to battle Snowflake!

Snowflake is some kind of derpy dragon with a snowflake blast. This seems to be the only gimmick, but it’s hard to dodge. But Snowflake can’t get too close, because Charuzu II has a bitching sword that shoots energy blades!

More enjoyable than the Safespace fight. And we got another Scoop!

Wow, it’s the same image with different colors!

Starting up CONE LAUNCH, and I’m immediately being text-screamed at by Stephen Colbert. He seems very upset about my two scoops.

AAAGGHHH!

Colbert mini-boss! He doesn’t have any projectiles, just raw brute strength and unbridled rage. If anyone in the comments section has fought the real Stephen Colbert, let me know if this is accurate to his combat style. He hits pretty hard, but he doesn’t have as much stamina as the 2 main bosses. He gives a nice health power-up when killed.

Oh, and this happens.

Haha looks like Sample Text just got REKT!

Finally, we make it to TWITTER. Let’s see what this is.

Someone’s not happy about us blowing everything up.

It’s a big boss! He flies around really fast and keeps stabbing me with that big ass claw! Can’t type right now I have to concentrate.

SHIT I fucking died.